Oops, I Need a Stylist

Her "look" was only the beginning of Britney's problems during the Dateline interview with Matt Lauer.

I finally got around to watching the Dateline interview with Matt Lauer and Britney Spears.

I’ve sat back, watching this girl self-destruct just like the rest of you: shaking my head at her thong displays, her barefoot romps through the 7-ll and the rest of her trailer trash behavior.

I’ve snickered at America’s Pop Princess’ fall from grace so this interview . . . this interview was like a hug from Jesus.

Here are some of my favorite excerpts, with a few editorial comments to fill you in on the gestures exhibited by Spears and Lauer

Spears: I think because I was pregnant with my son, I didn’t want to do interviews. I wanted it to be a little private. But I think 90 percent of the world would agree that the tabloids have kind of gone a little [inappropriate air quote] far[inappropriate air quote] with me lately. You try not to respond to trash . . .

Cut to a brilliant edit of Lauer not responding to Spears.

Spears: They like to have the person they [inappropriate air quote] pick on [inappropriate air quote]. I feel like I’m a target and I feel like other girls are. At a certain point in everybody’s career, they’ll get it.

The misuse of air quotes, which are annoying when used correctly, was AWESOME.

Spears: And I still have helicopters [hovering over my house] that come twice a day.

Lauer: Just trying to get a picture of you at the pool?

Spears: Just anything. And they put the captions on their magazines, “Baby in danger” and stuff like that—which is really silly. But I wouldn’t be in danger if I didn’t have like this impactful thing around me all the time.

Uhm, no you self-centered twit, “Baby in Danger” is in reference to YOUR CHILD.

Lauer: You said a couple of times to me already you believe in karma. And as someone who is now several months pregnant, do you ever stop and think, “You know, he left someone else when she was a couple of months pregnant.” Does that ever cross your mind?

[Rapid blinking by Spears and you can almost see the dim bulb above her lighting up, but it never quite makes it.]

Lauer: What do you see in him? What is it about Kevin that makes you love him?

Spears: He’s very simple. Women complicate everything. He’s so simple. His simplicity and just he’s like a boy. He just, you know, and he cares. He cares so much and his—his heart is awesome. He has a really big heart [so that’s what the kids are calling it now] and I love that.

Oh honey, we know he’s simple. What I find so sad about her response is that even she's trying to justify this relationship at this point.

Federline: I have been paying for everything out of my pocket.

From the allowance he’s given, I’m sure.

Spears: You know, he has children now that he wants to support and not just let it be all me. He’s a man.

Sorry Shar, apparently only Brit’s children are important [read: rich] enough to support.

Spears: They make you feel like you have to have your transformation.

Lauer: Well—

Spears: Madonna reinvents herself. Right?

Oh Brit, Madonna may have gone around with a gold tooth and a wifebeater, but never at the same time. Sure, I remember thinking Madonna was just an attention whore during certain points in her career, but I don’t think anyone ever thought, “That Madonna girl, she’s just poor white trash that came into a little money.”

Spears: I like to cook, try to cook, and I like to clean. I’m obsessive like that. If I watch TV, I like to watch the home-redoing-the-house shows.

This bit of dialogue was disturbing to me because it was accompanied by odd Jack Black Kung Fu waving hands and weaving.

Lauer: How far along are you?
Spears: I don’t know.

How many pregnant women do you know that don’t know how far along they are?

Spears: That driving incident, I did it with my dad. I’d sit on his lap and I drive. We’re country.

As if we ever had any doubt about how "country" she is.

And just days after that photo appeared, on a visit to New York City, Britney stumbled again—this time literally.

Lauer: You’re walking with Sean in one arm and you tripped on—what was it, your pants?

Spears: Actually, I didn’t trip on anything. It was a New York street, and just cobblestones. [Uhm, no. I’ve seen the pictures of her stumbling and there were no cobblestones on that street.] And I was walking and I don’t think we were prepared with one security, ‘cause I’ve never had that much paparazzi ever on me in New York. So we didn’t even know there was gonna be that many people. So I think it was a mixture of so many paparazzi and how the road was all messed up [again, I’ve seen the pictures of this incident and it looks like a pretty level street], me just trying to get in the car.

Lauer: And there was a picture taken shortly afterward, I think you were in a store. And you appeared to be crying.

Spears: Oh yeah.

Lauer: Very upset. Were you upset because you just had a close call with your son? Or were you upset because the—

Spears: Because—

Lauer: —lenses were still on?

Spears: Well, because I got in the car and I was hungry.

I just couldn’t decide what to edit out of that because, it’s just ridiculous. So yeah, forget that the baby almost fell and could have busted his head open: she was hungry. Also, if you watch the interview, you can tell that Lauer is trying his best to prompt her towards the better answer, but she keeps interrupting him and it really does her no favors.

But it doesn’t mean she isn’t keeping busy. She found time to do a guest appearance on NBC’s “Will and Grace”.

Lauer: Was it fun for you?

Spears: It was awesome.

Lauer: Why? What was so great about it?

Spears: I hadn’t been out there for so long. So it was really exciting for me. And I just love funny people. Funny people are great. You know? And so hilarious.

Ya’ll know she’s a member of Mensa right?

And now, for Brits’ crimes against grammar: seriously, Momma Spears should NOT have pulled her out of school for her career.

. . . I didn’t have like this impactful thing around me all the time.

Nouns and adjectives – she just makes them up as she goes along.

So in my young mind I’m like, “I’m gonna just get married to someone of my home friends.

Actually, I didn’t know [regarding Federline’s relationship with Shar Jackson]. I didn’t know until two months later. But I don’t blame him because him and his friends—I’ve talked to his friends about this. They weren’t technically together when he came to me anyways.

I’m a motional wreck right now.

I just feel like the editors they don’t realize that there’s not just one magazine—there’s other magazines and they’re all paying to get a story. And I think that's where the energy from the people is coming from.

And I wanted to touch on some things with my husband because of the tabloids, that I try to keep my baby out of this whole thing. That’s what you know what I mean?
I think that’s cruelty when you judge people and—I’m not a Bible Belt.

What? Seriously, is this an anagram?

I kind of feel sorry for her because you can tell she's lost. She was given too much, too soon and didn't have any guidance.

But Britney, it's time to take this runaway horse by the reins and get yourself a team.

Get a publicist, get an image consultant . . . you can afford it.

And, I know it makes you sad to hear this, but ditch Kevin.

He is deadweight. I know he has a big "heart," but there are a lot of men out there with big "hearts."

Champagne Supernova

Have you ever been in your car, or at work, listening to the radio, just minding your own business, when a song from a particular time in your past sneaks in and kicks you in the stomach.

Yeah: I'm sitting here at work and fucking Oasis comes on the radio with Champagne Supernova. It was getting heavy airplay during the summer of 1996. I was about to celebrate my first year of marriage, so I was still a giddy newlywed. I remember the song well because I spent a lot of that summer at the natatorium in LSU's pool, and that song played at least once a day on the loudspeaker.

But, I have this one distinct memory of it playing.

I was practicing the backstroke and J showed up at the pool with my friend Jen. I remember taking a break and seeing them at the other end of the pool (heads together in confidence).

I remember feeling really happy.

Happy because I was 21, young, pretty and my husband and best friend got along.

Now, 10 years later, I realize that J was probably telling Jen about the latest gaggly of guys he had fucked, and Jen was doing her best to encourage him to be honest with me.

So, now when I hear Champagne Supernova I feel incredibly sad.

Sad because I still mourn for that happy girl who thought nothing could go wrong.

Oasis - Champagne Supernova

How many special people change
How many lives are living strange
Where were you when we were getting high?
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannon ball
Where were you while we were getting high?

Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky
Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova in the sky

Wake up the dawn and ask her why
A dreamer dreams she never dies
Wipe that tear away now from your eye
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannon ball
Where were you when we were getting high?

Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky
Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova in the sky

Cos people believe that they're
Gonna get away for the summer
But you and I, we live and die
The world's still spinning round
We don't know why
Why, why, why, why

How many special people change
How many lives are living strange
Where were you when we were getting high?
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannon ball
Where were you while we were getting high?

Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky
Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova in the sky

Cos people believe that they're
Gonna get away for the summer
But you and I, we live and die
The world's still spinning round
We don't know why
Why, why, why, why

How many special people change
How many lives are living strange
Where were you when we were getting high?
We were getting high
We were getting high
We were getting high
We were getting high