Monday, December 22, 2008

Police Blotter

I don't always read the Police Blotter, but I think it's good to stay up to date on the goings on in your town. Plus, you want to know what criminals are stealing these days:

A pair of earrings and a bottle of lotion were reported stolen from 6243 Woodmere Blvd., Sunday afternoon.

Someone stole 17 bags of sugar from a service station in the 900 block of W. South Blvd., at 12:38 a.m. Sunday


I get the earrings, but a bottle of lotion and 17 BAGS OF SUGAR.

What?

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Holiday Cheer

The last time I was with my brother he turned to me and said, "I have no idea how to deal with in-laws. What are the rules?"

I replied, "The first rule of in-laws is you don't talk about the in-laws."

Yes, it's an old joke but it's true.

One has to be careful when it comes to in-laws. I think as a general rule you shouldn't initiate any discussion about your in-laws unless your partner introduces the conversation. Even then you have to tread carefully.

You don't just hop in the car after a family dinner and say, "Man, you're sister's kind of a bitch isn't she?"

You save that for your rage diary.

No. You hop in the car and say, "Dinner was really good wasn't it?"

If say, your partner turns to you and says, "It was good. Hey, did you notice anything about _______?"

You ask, "Like what?"

Then he's free to elaborate and you can comment, but only on the issues he brings up.

Don't try to add in your own colorful observations.

Apply these rules to any in-law: mothers, cousins, brothers, sisters . . .

However, if your partner's sibling wields a knife at you, or your mother-in-law flat out accuses you of being a snob then have your partner hold you back and let you go when they least expect it.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Thrift Store Find

After having spent two hours on this guy's website last night, I got inspired to do a little thrifting of my own.

I now have my own Betty Draper.



She's a 1950s Napco Head Vase and she's not perfect (one earring is missing and part of her bow is broken off), but neither is Betty.

I got also found a six-piece bar set for $1 that includes stainless swizzle sticks and a spear for digging up that last olive out of the jar. They are very plain in design, but exactly what I've been looking for to stir my Sunday morning Bloody Mary.

Thank You

Big thanks to everyone who donated to the Montgomery Humane Society Walk-n-Wag! You helped me raise $160 online and in these tough economic times that really means a lot. My co-workers were also generous as well as some friends and neighbors, and I raised a grand total of $280!

There were booths filled with pet products and there were some large dogs.



There were also some small dogs.


Some dogs wore costumes.




Dean made a new friend.


Max made a new friend, too.


We had a great time and all of the excitement wore us out.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Please Help Support the Montgomery Humane Society

Max, Dean Martin and I are participating in this year’s Walk-n-Wag. The Walk-N-Wag is a fundraiser that benefits the Montgomery Humane Society.

What some of you may not know is that Dean Martin is a rescue dog.



Sure, Dean is living the high life now but not all dogs are that lucky.

This is why I’m asking you to support my efforts by making a pledge to the Montgomery Humane society.

I’ve even made it really easy.
Follow this link to the MHS Walk-n-Wag website.


Under Give a Donation select my name: Melissa Martinez.



The following page allows you to type in whatever amount of money your comfortable donating.



Click Continue.

The following message will appear.



Click Continue to PayPal.

Your PayPal Shopping Cart will appear to confirm your payment.



Click Proceed to Checkout.

The Pay with Credit Card Page will appear.



On the Pay with Credit Card page, provide the following information.
1. County
2. First Name
3. Last Name
4. Credit Card Number
5. Payment Type
6. Expiration Date
7. CSC: For your safety and security, PayPal requires that you enter your card's verification number. The verification number is a 3-digit number printed on the back of your card. It appears after and to the right of your card number.
8. City
9. State
10. Zip code
11. Home Telephone Number
12. Email

Click Review Order and Continue.

PayPal will provide you with a final screen that will confirm your donation.

If you have trouble completing your online donation please contact Lea Turbert with the Montgomery Humane Society at 334-409-0622.

Follow-Up:Has anyone actually donated anything? Nothing is showing up under my pledges with the Humane Society. I'm asking because if you are donating under my name: Melissa Martinez and it's not showing up then I need to contact the Humane Society.

Thanks!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

A Conversation Between Siblings

Scene: On the phone with my brother shortly after watching an episode of the L-Word.
Note: We watch a lot of the same shows and then caucus afterwards.

Carlos: I could never be a lesbian.
Melissa: Oh I know, me neither. Women are crazy!
Carlos: It's not just that . . . it's so much work.
Melissa: Hee, you're totally a lazy bottom.
Carlos: Well, so are you.
Melissa: True, plus I have this whole carpal tunnel thing . . .
Carlos: Pfft, whatever.
Melissa: Well, yeah. Plus, you know, eating pussy . . .
Carlos: OH - don't EVEN go there.
Melissa: I know, right.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Philadelphia

It's amazing to me how much the movie Philadelphia still affects me. Mostly it's Tom Hanks' portrayal of the main character, Andy and Jonathan Demme's decisions as a director.

My favorite scene is the one right after Denzel Washington's character turns down the opportunity to represent Andy. Jonathan Demme slowly zooms in on Andy's face and Hanks goes through a bunch of different emotions in about five seconds. There's Andy standing in a doorway on a cold Philadelphia day and he's just been turned down by the 10th lawyer he's visited.

He's cold, frustrated, sad, alone, crestfallen, broken . . . and it's all there in Hanks' face. No tears, no teeth gnashing . . . and thankfully, no wailing at the heavens with open arms. I applaud Hanks and Demme for for approaching that scene and the character with dignity.

There is one think I really don't like and it's the way Washington's homophobia is handled. I get that we have to see his transformation from scared homophobe to understanding advocate, but do we have to keep hearing how much he hates gay men, how they make him sick and that what they "do" makes him sick.

There's a reason Atticus Finch never says, "Look, I don't like niggers either but the fact of the matter is a law's been broken here."

It's unnecessary.

I've never self-identified as a homophobe. From the start of the movie I rooted for Andy, so this movie breaks my heart in a million different pieces for a million different reasons.

The main reason though?

I remember this:


Every time I see this:

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Moment from a Marriage

Scene: Steve and I are standing in the living room having just rolled up the area rug that has been in there for six months.

Me: Baby, why does the floor look so dark right here?
Steve: Where ...
Me (Pointing with my right foot): Here.
Steve: Where ...
Me (Sighing): Well, here . . . (Tracing the area THAT IS CLEARLY VISIBLE with my foot).
Steve, now annoyed: Well, where ...
Me, now visibly annoyed: Seriously, do you not see this?
Steve, smirking: W.E.A.R.
Me, slackjawed: Oh.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Say A Little Prayer

On Friday, August 29th Steve and I celebrated our three-year anniversary of homeownership.

My parents, however, remember August 29, 2005 as the day Katrina hit. This year all any of us can do is shake our heads as we watch computer modules showing Hurricane Gustav and his New Orleans or Bust sign.

My family will evacuate on Sunday, tomorrow. My brother is heading to Atlanta to be with his partner and his family. My parents and in-laws are heading to Montgomery. I know that my loved ones will be out of the path of Gustav, but I'm still worried about their stuff.

My in-laws weathered Katrina with hardly a scratch. The water stopped one inch before their doorways. My parents however got two feet of water. I know it's just stuff, but my mom just finished her house thanks to Katrina.

She was finally feeling like she lived in a home and not a construction site. I hope that they are spared the worst of it. I know that my mom is strong, but I'd hate to see her go through living in a trailer again. She put a happy face on things, but I know she felt out of sorts.

Since Katrina they've jacked the house up a good four feet so we're all hoping flood waters won't be a problem, but you just never know. They also got fancy new hurricane grade windows so I guess we'll get to see how well those work. My mom said she scoped out the trees around her house and they were all leaning "away" so I've got my fingers crossed.

If you're religious, say a little prayer for them. If you're not religious then send good vibes or whatever.

Monday, July 07, 2008

Sexual Fluidity

Just assume that anytime I refer to a conversation between my brother and I that it was recent and on the phone. We talk a lot.

Anyway, we got on the subject of sexual preference. We were discussing "queer by beer" and girls kissing girls for attention. I think we finally worked our way to the more conventional gay and bi labels.

See, we do talk about more than just Tyra, The View and Swingtown.

Very casually he mentioned that he thought today those definitions were prehaps too confining and that the younger generation (high school and college students I presume) see sexuality as more fluid.

In other words: Bi Now, Gay Later . . . Maybe not.

I get what he's saying, but there's a part of me that worries about this new label because I fear it gives credence to those who believe being gay is indeed a choice.

It would be easier to argue that if sexuality is indeed fluid then you have the power to change the tide.

Let me just add that I don't think one chooses to be straight, gay or bi.

Am I wrong?

Thursday, June 19, 2008

I Am So Ashamed

When I was a kid I had a lot of celebrity crushes. The other day I was flipping channels and I came across this:



When I was 11 I thought this movie was awesome! The other day I could only watch 5 minutes of it because it was so awful, but damn I loved me some Jason Gedrick. (Poor Lou Gossett Jr. To this day when I see him in a movie I internally shout "CHAPPY!")

I'll admit I still nurse a crush on Jason Gedrick. Does anyone even remember Windfall?



It was a crappy show and the fact that Luke Perry was cast in it should have been my warning, but the Gedrick magic still has its influence.

I was so excited when he turned up on Desperate Housewives.

I realize I probably still sound like an 11-year-old girl, but that really doesn't surprise me. My favorite shows? Degrassi: The Next Generation, Gossip Girl . . . oh and you can bet your ass I'll be watching the new incarnation of 90210. HELLO . . . Darcy from D:TNG is playing the Brenda-like character. Those are some big bangs to fill.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Lazy Blogger

The other night my brother gave me a hard time for not updating my blog.

He is completely right, but a lot of times I just don't have much to say. Right now I'm sitting in my living room watching Evening.

One quick side note: what must it be like to be Claire Danes? To have casting directors sit back and say, "We need a woman beautiful enough to make all the men in this movie thow out all reason. We need Claire Danes."

I've got a really gross cold right now so a Sunday afternoon with a chick flick on, even a mediocre one, seems perfect.

I hate summer colds. In the winter you can bundle up and drink hot tea and steaming soup, but in the summer a cold is just a nuisance. It's hot out, your nose is runny and you're sweating and it's just blegh!

In other news, we are currently enjoying all our hard work right now and harvesting tomatoes, cucumbers and herbs practically every day. I kid with my brother and jokingly refer to our garden as Turkey Hill.

I put on my Martha Stewart voice as I go on about the delicious pesto I whipped up from our organically grown basil. It is organically grown basil, but I'm really not that unbearable about it. One of the guys I work with calls us hippies because Steve has his own compost pile and I don't use pesticides on the red ants in our yard, but rather chase them off with the free coffee grounds I get from Starbucks.

Okay, maybe I am getting a little annoying.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Memorial Day Weekend

This weekend Steve and I are heading to Gulf Shores and while I love the beach I am both looking forward to and dreading this weekend.

The thing is: I'm fat.

My brother is probably reading this nodding his head agreeing with me right now.

Which, you know, whatever . . . I don't blame him.

He's smart enough though not to pull me aside and say,

"Girl, what is up? You look like you ATE Tyra?"

My mom on the other hand is driving me crazy.

She keeps making these little comments about my recent weight gain and really it does nothing to motivate me to lose weight.

I KNOW I'M FAT, MOM . . . DEAL.

I don't know what she thinks, but I can't stand the look of disappointment in her eyes when she looks at me.

The other day we were on the phone and as we were hanging up she said,

"Okay, I'll talk to you later. Donteattoomuch."

She sort of threw in that last comment like it was supposed to be some sort of subliminal message. I guess she thinks its helpful, but it really hurts.

During another phone call she totally non sequiturs, "Do you know that every day for breakfast I have plain corn flakes with some fresh fruit? It's very light."

It was so weird. Like I was reading one of those 1950's diet books on how to obtain a trim girlish figure. Next thing you know she'll be advising me to drink a G&T before dinner in order to curb my appetite.

Her all time low was when she tried to get away with calling me "gordita"! Which, HELLO, translates to "Little Fatty."

Not cute.

That one I forcefully objected to and she tried to pass it off at as a cute nickname. I said, "No, absolutely not. You will never call me that again." The diminutive use of a word does not immediately make it cute.

Yesterday I went back to the gym for the first time in ages. This is going to be a regular thing in my life. I can't keep ignoring my expanding waistline. Ive started packing healthy snacks for work and I'm committed to working out three days a week and avoiding the snack machine and cafeteria at work.

I didn't get this size overnight and conversely I'm not going to drop the weight overnight.

I just wish my mom understood that.

Sometimes I wonder if my mom is just a product of her generation and she equates her looks with her self-worth. Maybe if I'm not a perfect size 6 my husband will leave me.

My ex-husband once said that my weight gain made it easier for him to cheat. Ya'll I was fucking small when I was with him. I don't think I ever told my mom that he said that, but it did mess me up for a long time.

I realized recently that Steve doesn't feel that way. Of course he doesn't.

Not every man is a narcissistic sociopath.

Anyway, yes mom I know I'm fat but don't despair. I'm more than the sum of pounds on the scale.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Working from Home

Due to the ridiculous cost of gas and my employer's inability to up my pay, my department is being allowed to work one day a week from home.

Today is my day.

I do a few hours of work and take a ten minute break to run a load of laundry, unload the dishes or just cuddle with the dog. I get to spend my lunch hour at my favorite place: my front porch. This morning while people were gnashing their teeth over the morning commute I decided to take Dean on a 30 minute walk.

Sure, I'd like to make more money, but this is definitely a nice perk.