You're So Vain

I've consistently been using facial moisturizer for about a year now.

I didn't used to be this way. In fact, and at this admission my mother might disown me, I used to be the kind of girl that just washed her face with Ivory before heading out the door.

I've always had issues with acne, and I lived under the assumption that moisturizer would simply clog my pores and lead to more breakouts. This isn't true, but when you spend your teens with as much acne as I did you want as little as possible on your face for fear that it will worsen.

Anyway, I still have the occasional battle with adult acne so my dermatologist has me using Differin. Here is how it works: Differin® Gel normalizes the improper accumulation of skin cells that plug the pores, and effectively keeps them clear.

Before your pores begin to function properly, you first must experience "itching, dryness, redness, burning or peeling" so moisturizing is key.

In the last few weeks, I've even been using a "restorative" eye cream as part of my routine.

Aside from the acne, I was blessed with really good genes. I don't color my hair and I have yet to find a single gray hair (Thanks Mom!). I'm also relatively wrinkle frea. But, the skin around my eyes has always bothered me. I have dark circles that don't disappear no matter how much rest I get. So, I've been using this department store brand's under eye cream that lightens and brightens. It works fine, but I've been thinking I need to try a concealer when low and behold we recieved a flier in the mail advertising my brand's "free gift with purchase" offer.

For most of you, this is junkmail. For me . . . this is porn.

Those of you who know me, know that I don't wear makeup. My mother's last words to me will probably be, "You need a little lipstick." The truth is, my makeup drawer is more like a makeup trunk.

So, when the mailer arrived at my house you'd have thought it was Christmas. Not only do I get to buy makeup, but they are going to give me more makeup for spending $27.50+.

I already needed an eyemakeup remover, so that was $14.00. I just needed to find a good concealer for the dark cirlcles under my eyes, and that's when I saw it:
Clinique | Makeup | Concealers | All About Eyes Concealer

The perfect product: moisturizes, reduces puffiness and hides dark circles.

So, I headed out on a mission and when I got to the counter I couldn't find what I was looking for. I couldn't remember what it was called or what the packaging looked like. I hadn't thought to bring the mailer with me and, much to my dismay, they didn't have a copy of it at the counter . . . uhm, seriously?

All I could remember was that it was three products in one.

I kept telling one of the saleswomen, "I need an undereye concealer that's not so light it gives me that reverse racoon (when your concealer is lighter than your actual skin tone and it looks like you fell asleep in the sun with your sunglasses on) look . It's supposed to help with wrinkles (moisturize) and make me look more rested (reduce puffiness and hide dark circles).

She said, "But honey, you don't even have wrinkles."

To which I looked over my glasses at her and said, "Exactly."

With an, "Ahhhhhh . . . " she busily got to finding my product.

I know I was a huge pain in the ass.

I was one of those people in the library that tells the librarian, "I need help finding a book: it's read with black writing on the cover."

However, the Clinique girls handled it exceptionally well and an hour later I walked away with exactly what I was looking for AND my free gift with purchase.

Technical Support

You know how when you work somewhere, there's usually a line in your job description that reads:

". . . and other duties as assigned."

In my time with the ASS I've found more and more of my time being taken up by offering tech support, and much to my surprise, I'm pretty good at it.

We offer our members the convenience of registering for courses online. That is to say, we thought it was convenient.

Here's how a typical call will go:

Receptionist buzzing my phone.

M: Trixie, there's a gentleman on line one having trouble registering for a class online.

(Me, internally, "Of course there is.")

Me: Okay (internal sigh) put him through. Hello, this is Trixie, how may I help you?

Member: I'm trying to register online and my computer won't let me in.

Me: Okay, sir. I'm going to have to ask you to clear out all of the information that you've entered in so far. Are you in front of your computer, sir?

Member: No (huge audible sigh) let me get to it.

Me: If you'll enter into your address bar . . .

Member: My what?

Me, huge internal sigh: See up at the top of your screen where it says "http . . . "

Member: OH! Huh.

Me: Okay sir, if you'll put your pointer on there and click on it then type in www.statenamespelledout.affiliationplural.com and hit enter.

Member: It's going now.

Me: Okay sir, just tell me when you get there, okay?

Member: Oh, okay.

Me - checking my cuticles and realizing I'm in desperate need of a manicure.

Member: Okay, what now?

Me: Sir, do you see where there is a picture of the capitol building at the top of the screen?

Member: Yes.

Me: Okay, underneath that, do you see where it says "Home" and next to that it says, "Education?"

Member: Yes.

Me: Put your pointer on education but don't click it. Do you see the menu that appears underneath it and says "Course Information" and then "Education Calendar?"

Member: Yes.

Me: Click on Education Calendar. Once the Calendar comes up you can choose the class you want to attend.

Member: I don't see the class I want.

Me: See where it says September?

Member: OH! Yes, I see it now!

Me: Okay, so click on the class that you want and then you can register for it.

Member: How do I do that?

Me: Sir, please select the class that you are interested in attending and once that comes up on your computer please let me know.

Me - wondering if I'll make it to the gym in time to catch a spinning class.

Member: Okay, now what?

Me: See where it says "Register for Event?"

Member: No.

Me, internally: Seriously?

Me: Scroll down to the bottom of the page, sir.

Member: I see it now.

Me: Click on that, sir, if this is the class you would like to attend. Once you click on that you'll be asked to login. Please let me know when you get to that page sir.

Member: It wants my login and password. What are those?

Me: Do you see right above that, sir, where it says, "Your login is your NRDS number and your password is your last name in lowercase?"

Member: Heh - I guess I didn't read that.

Me, internally: If I had a dollar for every real estate agent that said that to me . . . seriously, it's frightening.

Me: That's okay sir. Do you know your NRDS number sir? (Already looking it up because I know he's going to say . . . "

Member: No.

Me: Your NRDS number is XXXXXXXXX, Please enter that number and then your last name in LOWER CASE, sir. Then, click on login.

Member: It just sent me back to where I came from.

Me: What do you mean sir?

Member: It just sent me back to the event registration page.

Me: Sir, on the left side of the page, see where it reads: Events at ASS?

Member: Yes.

Me: Sir, above that what does it say?

Member: Hey, look at that: it says welcome myownname.

Me: Okay, that means that you are now logged in and can register for the class.

Member: How do I do that?

Me, internally: God grant me the serenity to accept the things . . .

Me: Sir, scroll down and you'll see a box that reads "Register for this Event" and click on that.

Member: Oh, okay. Now it's asking me if I want to continue shopping or checkout. What do I do?

Me - banging my head against my desk: Sir, would you like to purchase another class?

Member: No, I just want to sign up for this one.

Me: Okay, then all you have to do is click on checkout. From there, you'll be asked to provide us with the credit card information you would like to use and once you've entered that you'll want to scroll down and hit submit. Wait a few minutes after you hit submit because then you'll see a screen that reads "Thank You," and that will be your registration confirmation for the course that you have just paid for.

Member: (Huge audible sigh) Why is this so complicated?

Me: Sir, we find that it's more complicated for some of our members than others. Thank you!

Member: Uhm . . . thank you for your help.

Me: Your welcome. Have a good day!

Click.