Remember when Paula Abdul was an "it" girl? She had the cute Laker girl with huge hits: Straight Up, Forever Your Girl and she looked awesome slinking around in the Cold Hearted video?
Then she followed that up with Blowing Kisses in the Wind, The Promise of a New Day and Rush Rush and while we still loved Paula, because she wasn't the crazy Paula that she is now, you know you were thinking, "Damn Paula . . . you gotta lay off of that home cooking before you split a seam!"
Honey, that's how I felt watching Britney "sing" her new song Gimme. I'm not saying she looked fat because you're average size 12 American woman is thinking, "Shit, I wouldn't mind looking like that," when Britney comes traipsing across the stage, but Britney isn't normal.
She's a celebrity and I want my celebrities looking fabulous, not running around with a jiggly ass and a flabby stomach.
Hell, I'd be running around my house naked if I wanted to see that.
Gimme? Nuh, uh girl . . . you've got to push away from the table.
Dear Britney,
You can't wear outfits that bare your midriff right now. If you do choose to bare your midriff it's not advisable for you to turn to the side and pop your pelvis. It just makes us think, "Oh no . . . someone needs to lay off the Cheetos." Slap on your Kabbalah bracelet and have Madonna put you in touch with her Pilates instructor.
P.S. You also shouldn't wear short, shorts if you've got to wear them with pantyhose. You just look like Kirstie Alley that time she was on Oprah in a two-piece.
Sincerely,
Someone Who Knows Better
Tim Gunn - Call Britney STAT!
Tina Knowles - Call Britney! You may have designed some tacky ass shit for Beyonce, but you know how to sexily dress a woman with curves.
J-Lo - Call Britney! You know how to look hot and work the curves and you both "sing."
5 comments:
I loved your open letter to Brit-Brit.
She performed in a half-assed kinda way, no? She just didn't look that much into it.
Look, I think J-Lo can actually sing. Yes, she does lip sync, but if she had to go without music, she could. Really.
She was really pitiful, but did you see this guy's response to everyone picking on her - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHmvkRoEowc ?
Marshall
Oh my. He must have gone to the Susan Lucci School of Acting.
Also, I kind of like his sassy haircut.
I actually liked his hair cut, too. Kind of retro '80s. Reminds me of the hair that I WANTED to have back then. ;)
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