Getting My Feet Did

There are some awful assumptions made by people when I tell them my massage therapist is asian. Insert joke about happy ending here. My massage ladies are amazing. There are galvanized pipes hanging from the ceiling and the ladies hold on to them as they walk on your back. They also use their knees and elbows for a fantasic myofascial treatment. Aside from one unfortunate incident that involved my slippery butt and a knee, I've never had anything unseemly happen while there. This entry (snerk) alas is not about the great work being done at Accupressure Massage.

This story is about the time I got a pedicure. I get my toes done about once every six weeks. I do it because I like looking at my pretty toes, but also because I think I might be part horse.

Lord, my heels are hooves. No, really . . . one time they cranked up the orbital sander to attack my callouses. Ya'll, they had to bust out a tool they bought at the Home Depot to get my feet soft! It's just what it is. I have a place that I go to regularly and yes, the people there are asian; Vietnamese I think.

Well, this last month I had to go to a salon with which I am unfamiliar. For the most part the salons take walk-ins, and it's no big deal. I don't like going somewhere other than my regular place because I like knowing the people at the salon.

The thing you need to know about a nail salon is that we don't go just because there are third-world immigrants washing our feet (just kidding). All of the salons I have been to are equipped with tricked out massage chairs. They kneed, thump, roll, and of course, vibrate. As this was my first trip to this particular salon, it took me a minute to figure out the chair options.

I read all of the buttons and I had a difficult time getting the chair to do what I wanted it to do. It was doing this unfortunate thumping massage, but it must have been designed for someone taller than myself as it kept boxing me in the head! Once I got that straightened out, I moved on to a button that said "stretching." Hmm, I thought, stretching my spine sounds like it could feel good.

So, I tried it.

It starts at your neck and it feels like two rolling pins that push into you and then roll away from each other. It is a miniscule amount of stretching that is done, but it feels nice. It works its way down your spine and then these rollers in the seat take over.My butt cheeck were kneeded like doughdough. Seriously.

I'm not gonna lie, it felt good. So, there I am, I'm being stretched and kneeded and then out of nowhere: BAM! SHOCKER!

The mother-fucking-chair fisted me.

I tried to look all cool about it, but it was disconcerting. I kept wriggling around the chair because I thought maybe I just wasn't sitting on it correctly. Nope, not the problem. Every three minutes a mechanical fist punched my taint. In order to make a better experience I finally just set the damn thing on vibrate.

While I was sitting at the drying station the lady next to me asked, "Was this your first time here?" I said, "Yes." She said, "Weird, right?" Me, "The chairs?" Her, "Yeah."

I don't want to go back, but as my dear friend Heather says, "You should try everything twice just to make sure!"