That's my SONG!

I watch copious amounts of TV. I know that's not something to be proud of, but I'm going somewhere with this, I swear.

I grew up in a house with six people in it. I'm used to the rattle and hum of people moving around a house, having conversations, listening to the radio, watching tv . . . this is my white noise.

So, sometimes when I'm in my apartment alone I turn on the tv. It's usually on pretty low and I'll go about my business. Whether it's cooking, getting undressed or reading a book. Right, I read with the tv on. I know that I could turn on the radio, but something about the flickering light soothes me. It makes me feel like I have company.

But, that's not to say that I don't watch the damn thing. I get sucked in by MTV and VH1's reality programming.

Ya'll, for the last week I've been counting the days until the premier of Laguna Beach. What is wrong with me? I've been curious as to what happened with Stephen and LC in San Francisco, I want to know if Kristin cheated on Stephen and who in the hell is this new girl? Although I don't much like Kristin I too think that "from her hair to her personality, she's fake." It's all so high school, but I love it.

The Surreal Life - Janice Dickinson. Yeah, pretty much the only reason I'm watching this season. She's brash, she's rude, she's crazy . . . she's awesome.

The Real World - I started watching this when it first aired. Now the kids are in Austin and I'm wondering, are the participants getting less attractive as this show goes on or is my taste improving?

But, one of my favorite shows has been Motor Mouth. Essentially, Motor Mouth is based on the premise of a loved one tricking another loved one into test driving a vehicle that is set up with a camera. That loved one that is tricked is notorious for singing and dancing to whatever is playing on the radio. So, you have all this footage of someone singing badly to whatever songs are playing. I don't necessarily sit through an entire show because it gets kind of boring, but it cracks me up because I could so easily be the person in the driver's seat.

See, I travel the state a lot for work and that gives me enormous blocks of time in rental vehicles. I'm usually alone so I crank up the stereo and go to town. Yesterday, I was on my way home from a trip and Adina Howard's "Freak Like Me" came on. So, I holla, "Oooooh, that's my SONG!" So, there I am in my rental wearing my pinstripe skirt, button down blouse and pearls, raising the roof and singing:

I'm packing all the flavor you need
I got you shook up on your knees
'cause it's all about the dog in me

But, it doesn't just stop at the singing. I usually dance, too. Energetic finger pointing, neck crooking, pimp hands . . . if it can be done sitting down, I'm doing it.

I flip out when I catch a good 80's station because it's on! Every Rose Has It's Thorn, Never Say Good-Bye, anything by Journey. . . the cheesier the power ballad the better!

So, the next time you're traveling Alabama's highways pay no heed to the crazy woman in the rental car having her own little rave.

To Spank or Not To Spank

It's Friday and I'm bored at work.

So, I started reading other people's blogs. I was at www.hannahbeth.com and I started looking through her archives and came across an entry she did on spanking.

I don't have kids, so I don't know from practical experience if I would spank.

I like to think that I wouldn't since I was spanked and still have some bitterness regarding it. I wasn't spanked: I was whipped.

Dad had a two inch leather belt that he wore every day. If he had to spank me, he'd unbuckle it and remove it from his belt loops in one swift movement.

I'd then lay across the bed (in shorts, pants were not allowed) and he'd whip me.

He'd lash me across the backs of my legs with so much force that I wouldn't be able to sleep on my back that night, and sitting in class the next day would be painful.

I remember one whipping in particular.

I was in fourth grade, and I'd been caught talking in class. I was given my second behavior report of the year from the same teacher.

I begged her not to give it to me, I begged her so hysterically that she took me in the hall to talk to me.

I pleaded with her, "Please! I wasn't talking, it was Joey, I was just listening. Please! I can't take that home!"

She just shook her head and told me I should have considered that before I started talking.

That afternoon, I walked home shaking.

When I'd received my first behavior report dad warned me about what would happen if I got another one. I got home and just laid on my bed, crying and waiting for him to get home. I didn't even have the courage to give it to him. I just left it on his nightstand.

When he saw it he roared my name. and I heard the distinct snap his belt made when he folded it in half.

I don't think I'd ever been whipped that badly before. I didn't cry and after the first few strikes I didn't feel it anymore.

I think that made it worse.

I remember this particular whipping because I had dance class that night. I had to wear my leotard and tights over the welts on the backs of my legs. I begged my mom not to take me, I begged her to let me stay home and miss class.

Dad wouldn't hear of it.

He was paying good money for those classes, and he'd be damned if I was going to miss one.

So, there I was at the barre, trying my damndest to plie without crying. My dance teacher caught on, took pity on me and let me sit out the rest of the class.

I was humiliated.

Did spanking make me a better child, though?
No.

Did I fear my father?
Yes.

Did I respect him?
No.

I knew that there would be consequences to my actions, dire consequences, so I just got better at hiding things. It taught me how to be sneaky.

I was still "bad," I just got better at not getting caught.

So, would I spank my child? No

In part because I know it won't give me the long-term results that I want as a successful parent.

I also won't spank because I'm afraid I'll lose control like my father did.

Hannah made a really good point in her entry.

Also (not to make the dreaded pet to child comparison, but I have to because this burns me up the most), it's pretty well accepted among trainers and breeders that negative reinforcement doesn't work at all. All it will get you is an aggressive, or submissive-aggressive, ill-behaved animal. And I know how it feels to tell your dog "no" a thousand times and have her not listen, or turn around and growl at you, and all you want to do is whack her a little on the backside. But if I sat here and wrote how I just smacked Montego around, I bet a million-to-one that I'd get a thousand hate emails before my hand even stopped stinging. "A dog doesn't understand." "A dog can't be reasoned with." Well, you look your two-year-old in the face and you tell her you love her while you use all 200 of your pounds to spank her tiny bottom, leaving a red mark across her cheeks and then tell me that she understands your reasoning.

Whenever I tell people (especially people with children) that I don't want to spank my future children they say, "You just don't understand. You can't reason with a two-year-old."

I get that.

But like Hannah said, you can't reason with a dog either but you can still work with it to develop positive behavior and squelch negative behavior without physical force.

Here's what I think: I think that parents that spank are lazy.

Spanking produces a quick result. It takes time and effort to raise a child without raising your hand to him or her.

Will it drive me crazy that my child won't "get it" after the third time I've said no? Yes.

Will I spank him or her? No.

There has to be a better way.

Dad loves to re-tell the story about how one day I "pitched a fit" in the middle of a department store. He slid off his belt and gave me several lickings on the back of my three-year-old thighs.

"You never did that again." He'll say proudly.

Thanks dad.

Debbie Does Dallas

So, get this: a friend of mine has been approached by the porn industry to debut in a film. Sure, it's not a debut in the sense of a debutante ball but you know . . . there will be balls. (Yeah, I'm 12.)

I think she's going to go through with it. I'm completely behind (Hee.) the decision to do it (Hee.) because you're only young once, you know. Plus, this person is an adult and able to make these types of decisions.

So, when I'm told about this opportunity, I'm all, "Fuck yeah!" (Hee.)

Then, I took it to S and told him about it and he, very logically said, "While it sounds cool, there are some things to think about: 1. How would this impact your career? What if someone recognizes you in a restaurant while you're at a business lunch? 2. How will you handle if someone comes (Hee.) up to you while you're with a colleague? 3. What if a colleague sees the film?"

All very sound questions that I took back to my friend who said, "You know, we need S around?"

Me, "Hmm?"

Friend, "Well, you and I are like a pack of hyenas just cackling on about the whole thing."

Me, "No . . . it's more like Dumb and Dumber."

So, the time is coming (Hee.) and her time to see the producer is nearing. So, she sent me some pictures of herself. Pictures she wants to take with her to her audition.

None of them were raunchy, but they were very, "Come and get me, big boy."

So, I looked at them and while they were indeed smoking hot, they made me a bit uncomfortable. But, she looked gorgeous only I got sidetracked when I was looking at them and asked,

"Hey, were those taken in your kitchen?"

Her, "Yeah! What did you think?"

Me, "I love your cabinets!!!"

Her, "Mmm, hmm . . . "

Me, "No, seriously, I love glass front cabinetry."

Her, "What about MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!?!"

Me, "Oh, yeah . . . you looked nice. Are you in a bungalow?"

She hung up shortly afterward.

Baby Talk

So, not to long ago, S and I were in the middle of our weekly shopping trip when all of a sudden, in front of the frozen veggies he turns to me and asks,

"So, when do you think we'll want to start a family?"

Me, "Uhm, uh, uh . . . "

Him, "I don't mean today, but you know . . . someday."

Huh, you know, it's funny because I've said that I don't really think I NEED to get married ever. I don't need marriage to feel more committed, and while I still feel that way I don't think I want to have children and not be married. So, you see my dilemma.

First, I work in an extremely conservative environment where single motherhood would more than likely be frowned upon. So, the following day I was with a coworker(one slightly more superior than I in the chain of command) shredding files in the attic when I asked him whether or not our boss would take issue with me getting pregnant and not being married.

Him, "Why?"

Me, "Well, I just figured while we're up here in the attic alone . . . "

At which point he died laughing because it sounded like I was asking this very happily married man to be my baby daddy.

Which, is so not what I was getting at. Anyway, the hysterical laughter sort of cut my question short, but I assured him that I was not with child, but might one day like to be . . . by someone that is not him, clearly.

He simply said, "No, you would not get fired."

Secondly, what would my mother say? I know, I KNOW I'm a grownup and everything, but having to hear it from her would drive me up the wall. I asked S that on the night he brought this whole thing up.

Me, "What would your mother think?"

Him, affecting his mother's reaction (with pearl clutching and all, "'Oh, no. Not until you're married.' But you know what, it's my life so I don't really care what she thinks."

Finally, what would people say. And that, that is what disappoints me the most. That I care at all what other people would think.

The truth of it is, I'm incredibly disappointed in myself because as hippie dippy as I want to be I can't imagine being unmarried and with child.

As much as I don't need to get married I'm still a girly girl and I still think about my wedding. I used to want this big princessy deal, but I had a wedding once and the truth of it is I don't have the funds for a big wedding, it would be gauche to do so (it's not like it's my first wedding) and the thought of spending $25,000+ on a wedding is ridiculous.

So far, I've got myself getting married in a morning catholic ceremony in the church where I received all of my sacraments. It's a small church, very simple, but I feel at home there. I grew up there. I'd probably do it around Easter because that's when the altar is decked out with flowers. Then, I'd have a champagne brunch either at my mom's house or a local restaurant that my parents and I go to all the time when I am in town. I'm such a loon that I even have my "dream ring" picked out: You have to click on the ring to see all three views.


I'd go with a dress cut like this one:
My dress wouldn't be green, it would be champagne.

I'm thinking I'd have my hair pulled up with some flowers in it. Maybe a small bouquet like this one:

in my hand and the rosary I had during my first communion.

My groom would be in a nice suit, but definitely not tails or anything.

That's it. Simple and easy. I don't think I'd even do a registry since, like I said:

I'm full-grown!

Why? Why? Why?

The other night I was making dinner and I asked S to remind me in 15 minutes to check on the stove.

He said, "Why don't we just set the timer on the stove?"

I mumbled, "I don't think it works."

He said, "What?"

Me, "It says a minute has passed, but I don't think it goes a whole minute."

Him, "What?"

Me, "Look," I said rolling my eyes and putting my hands on my hips, "I've set the thing before, but the numbers go by a whole lot faster than 60 seconds. It's more like 15 or 30 seconds."

Him, "Mmm, Hmm . . . " and he turns around and starts setting the timer.

Me, "Okay . . . whatever."

Him, as the timer turns to 15, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 . . ."

I looked at like he was crazy and then I realized he was going to count to 60 to SHOW ME that the timer does indeed work.

I realized, that when the day comes, he'll be able to take on our little one when he/she starts asking, "Why is the sky blue? Why is the sky green?"

(No ya'll, I'm not with child so don't go getting all hysterical.)