Pillow Talk

A few weeks ago S and I were in bed cuddling. My head was on his chest and his right hand was playing with my hair. This isn't particularly out of the ordinary as 5 nights our of 7 this is how I fall asleep. While it's fairly typical, it's wonderful because I've never been the kind of person that can fall asleep while being held. Maybe it's just that I'm finally in the arms of the right man.

Anyway, on one such particular night, I was in that blissful place where you're body feels light, your foot does the occasional twitch and you're just about to fall asleep, and S says to me, "You know how we're going home for Christmas and our families are going to meet?"

Me, sleepily, "Mmm,hmmm . . . "

S, "Why don't we make it an engagement party."

Me, still groggily, "Mmm, sounds nice."

And then, my inner bridezilla, the one that's been sitting aroundin her dress and veil, tapping her foot impatiently, stood up and shouted, "BITCH, WAKE THE FUCK UP! THIS IS IT!"

So, my brain started to catch up to everything that was going on and instantly I was awake.

I lifted my head up from S' chest and leaned back so I could look him in the eye.

He was smiling and I said, "Oh."

Bridezilla rolled her eyes and plunked herself back down.

S continued on, "I know how important family is to you and I know how much you want to get married in the church, so instead of getting married in New Orleans . . . what do you think of getting married in Honduras?"

At this point, Bridezilla was glaring at me to answer this man.

And it's true, it had never crossed my mind to have a destination wedding. Much less, having one in Honduras but once he'd suggested it, it all just fell into place. It would be modest and other than tickets and hotel rooms, it could be done inexpensively and beautifully.

Me, now all dewy-eyed, "That's so sweet."

Sweet because I know how important family is to S as well, and getting married out of the country would mean that his four siblings would more than likely be unable to attend. So I said, "But, what about your family?"

S, "Well, I think mom and dad would go. Mom has yet to see any of the churches in Honduras. And, JJT & J are welcome to fly down, but as long as Mom and Dad are there I'd be happy. But, you still haven't said yes."

Me, "Right."

See, this isn't the first time for me.

My first thought was, "I really don't want to screw this one up . . ." which makes no sense at all because I didn't screw the first one up. But, I did make a bad decision. When my ex asked me to marry him I remember a voice in my head screaming, "NOOOOOOooooo . . . " and sort of fading off like a dying super hero.

This time it was different.

This time is was like a cheesy 50's movie where fireworks go off and a marching band starts playing.

I knew that I wanted to, my first instinct was to look into his eyes and say, "Yes." But I was scared. I told S this and he said, "That's understandable, and if you don't want to say yes that's fine, too. I'm not going anywhere so take your time."

The next few weeks went by and nothing changed.

I've always felt part of a team with S. I've always felt that I was in a secure, committed relationship. I know that regardless of marriage, S and I will continue to take care of each other and do all of those little things that couples do for each other. We bought a house together, so clearly I'm committed.

I'm just scared.