On the Road

Right now, I'm out of town. I'm not far away from home (maybe 1.5 hrs), but not sleeping in your own bed starts to really wear on you.

But, I'm trying to make the best of it.

I'm the Director of Education for a non-profit professional association. A large part of my job is acting as the administrator for the classes that we offer. Essentially, I travel to the classes, handout paper work and act as a proctor while the instructor bestows his/her vast knowledge on our members.

I have no complaints about our instructors or our members. The are always professional and are great at keeping classes interactive and exciting.

But, there's an awful lot of dead time for me.

So, sometimes I make sure that everything is running smoothly and I cut out.

Take yesterday for example: I'm in a different city this week until Thursday and I'm at a facility I've never been to before. It's conveniently located next to a ton of little shops, so for my lunch I popped over to a popular hot dog place. Okay, the dog was delicious. I had something called the "Junkyard Dog." It had everything on it and was filled with delicious badness.

Then, I walked over to a local bookseller and purchased some presents for a friend of mine and then I sat down with a delicious soy mocha to read the book I'd brought with me on my trip.

It was really nice to take two hours of my day for lunch, coffee and some reading. Definitely the kind of me time that I've been needing. I think maybe I even fell in love with my life a little.

Just when I think I can't do this anymore, I find a little place to carve out some "me" time.

Yesterday was my mom's birthday. I feel kind of bad because I didn't write anything for her. I actually sat in front of my computer for hours trying to come up with something, but nothing was happening. I kept writing stuff and then deleting it.

What do you write about Esme?

My mom and I have had a relationship filled with ups and downs.

During my pre-teen years I sort of relished that I was daddy's favorite (yes, I realize how incredible fucked up that is) and sort of lorded it over her.

I remember one night after dinner we were having ice cream sundaes. I had opened up a brand new can of whipped cream and was aiming it at the top of my sundae. There must have been a clog or something because this shit shot all over the place and got my mom right in the face.

She was furious.

I was trying not to laugh and she could tell, so she yells, "Choong (my dad's nickname), she did that on purpose."

Dad was standing there in semi-shock, also trying not to convulse from holding in his laughter, and he says to her, "No, that couldn't have been on purpose. It went everywhere. She wasn't aiming it at you."

I just kept saying, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry . . . " but the tears in my eyes from the suppressed laughter were obvious.

Mom actually got up from her chair and lunged at me. I took off for my bedroom and slammed the door behind me. I was kind of in shock, but laughing my ass off because really - it was fucking funny!

Then later on in high school, mom accused me of being a slut.

Not exactly in those words, what she said was, "I always talked about your aunt's daughters, never did I think MY DAUGHTER would turn out to be like one of them."

Mom has a penchant for the dramatic.

I don't really rember when my mom and I chilled out with each other.

But, I think it had a lot to do with me going away to college.

I was away from home so we weren't in each other's space as much and that whole bizarre little Electra Complex that I had developed was finally, FINALLY whithering away.

Anway, I left for school, got married and started my own family.

Then I moved out of state.

Which, was fantastic as it really allowed me to create a life for myself that wasn't hindered by someone else's expectations of me.

Then, then I got the call that no child should ever get.

It was mom on the phone barely whispering out, "I have breast cancer."

I don't really remember what I was thinking about right before she said it. Maybe something about work or my day.

I do remember that J and I were driving home from somewhere because I was looking out the windshield watching the snow fall and everthing started moving at super slow-mo.

Mom's cancer was caught super, super early. So early that they did a lumpectomy (sort of, as the cancer was still in the early stages and there really wasn't much of a lump) and a few months of radiation. No chemo.

Her cancer was caught by a routine mammogram.

That mammogram saved her life.

And, I will be eternally grateful for the fact that mom has always been a believer in preventive medicine.

We didn't come close to losing her, but for the first time the reality of losing her was there and it scared me.

So, even though she drives me crazy still and sometimes when we talk on the phone I roll my eyes so much I practically sprain my eyeballs - I'm glad she's still around to drive me crazy.

I wouldn't trade her for anyone.

I love you, mom.

Why You?

Because

... you don't just laugh at my jokes, you make them better.

... when I'm getting ready for work in the morning you bring me a glass of orange juice.

... you remember our first kiss and don't give me a hard time for forgetting it.

... first thing in the morning you say "Hey beautiful," to me without a trace of sarcasm.

... your kisses make me lightheaded.

... your inspired me to take a four-hour road trip to see you.

... even now, 10 years later, the sight of you makes me weak-kneed and gives me butterflies.

... you always make sure that I "win."

... when we make love you look directly into my eyes.

... you always do your best not to wake me up when you get up in the middle of the night.

... if you do have to wake me up, you do it by slowly kissing my finger tips.

... you always offer me the last oyster first, even when you know it's yours.

... you make me laugh.

On My Own

I left home at 18. Okay, so I was still on mom and dad's payroll, but I was out of the house and living away from them at 18.

I left for college and never looked back!

It was quite possibly the best thing I could have done for myself, it's probably the best thing anyone can do.

Because, see, the thing is, when you live with mom and dad you never really grow up. And by growing up I don't mean paying the bills and rent. You can live at home and pay bills and rent, so I don't mean growing up as much as I mean growing into your own.

Loosely, I think mom and dad think of me as messy, afraid to speak Spanish, lazy, quiet . . . whatever.

But, when I left home I got to be whomever I wanted to be.

I got to keep my stuff neat and organized, I got to be brave and try new things without someone's voice in my ear saying, "you shouldn't try that, that if you fail . . . " I'm in the middle of interviewing for a job in my home town. When I saw the posting, I decided I'd go for it. Even though, mom thinks I should stay at my current job for a while. Her reasoning is that moving from job to job will only harm me. Well, the truth is, moving around has actually made me a desireable candidate for this position. I have experience in a variety of related industries that would make me kick ass in this job. But, maybe if I'd stayed at home I never would have tried for more because there would have been a compelling force affecting my decisions. I might have listened to her saying, "You have a good job right now with good benefits. Why go for something else?"

Moving out was the beginning of my road to becoming a "whole, fully viable entity . . . " and making decisions without considering what mom and dad thought, thus allowing me to develop into half of a successful relationship. I got derailed by marrying too young. I really wasn't a "whole, fully viablel entity at 19." I should have waited.

And having learned that lesson, I have certain criteria that gentleman must meet before I take the next step in a relationship (i.e., living together).

I can't live with someone who's going from mom and dad's to my place.

Why?

Because I need to know that you've been on your own and discovered who you are without any interference.

Moving out means you're not afraid to take things on, to be by yourself, to choose for yourself what you want to do. It means that if you choose to be lazy then you make yourself feel guilty or you decide that being lazy today felt good and was exactly what you wanted to do. But, you don't have to apologize for taking it easy.

So, my "stipulation" that you live on your own isn't arbitrary.

Living on your own is a part of the natural evolution towards adulthood and if you haven't done it, then how can you live with someone else? You know what I think happens when you move in with someone else before living on your own?

I think you set yourself up for being co-dependent. It's too easy to rely on someone else to tell you what you like and what you don't like. It's too easy to let someone else prioritize your life.

I worry that I haven't explained my reasoning well enough. But I do know this, living with mom and dad is a dealbreaker for me.

If you're reading this blog, share with me the importance of living on one's own.