To Spank or Not To Spank

It's Friday and I'm bored at work.

So, I started reading other people's blogs. I was at www.hannahbeth.com and I started looking through her archives and came across an entry she did on spanking.

I don't have kids, so I don't know from practical experience if I would spank.

I like to think that I wouldn't since I was spanked and still have some bitterness regarding it. I wasn't spanked: I was whipped.

Dad had a two inch leather belt that he wore every day. If he had to spank me, he'd unbuckle it and remove it from his belt loops in one swift movement.

I'd then lay across the bed (in shorts, pants were not allowed) and he'd whip me.

He'd lash me across the backs of my legs with so much force that I wouldn't be able to sleep on my back that night, and sitting in class the next day would be painful.

I remember one whipping in particular.

I was in fourth grade, and I'd been caught talking in class. I was given my second behavior report of the year from the same teacher.

I begged her not to give it to me, I begged her so hysterically that she took me in the hall to talk to me.

I pleaded with her, "Please! I wasn't talking, it was Joey, I was just listening. Please! I can't take that home!"

She just shook her head and told me I should have considered that before I started talking.

That afternoon, I walked home shaking.

When I'd received my first behavior report dad warned me about what would happen if I got another one. I got home and just laid on my bed, crying and waiting for him to get home. I didn't even have the courage to give it to him. I just left it on his nightstand.

When he saw it he roared my name. and I heard the distinct snap his belt made when he folded it in half.

I don't think I'd ever been whipped that badly before. I didn't cry and after the first few strikes I didn't feel it anymore.

I think that made it worse.

I remember this particular whipping because I had dance class that night. I had to wear my leotard and tights over the welts on the backs of my legs. I begged my mom not to take me, I begged her to let me stay home and miss class.

Dad wouldn't hear of it.

He was paying good money for those classes, and he'd be damned if I was going to miss one.

So, there I was at the barre, trying my damndest to plie without crying. My dance teacher caught on, took pity on me and let me sit out the rest of the class.

I was humiliated.

Did spanking make me a better child, though?
No.

Did I fear my father?
Yes.

Did I respect him?
No.

I knew that there would be consequences to my actions, dire consequences, so I just got better at hiding things. It taught me how to be sneaky.

I was still "bad," I just got better at not getting caught.

So, would I spank my child? No

In part because I know it won't give me the long-term results that I want as a successful parent.

I also won't spank because I'm afraid I'll lose control like my father did.

Hannah made a really good point in her entry.

Also (not to make the dreaded pet to child comparison, but I have to because this burns me up the most), it's pretty well accepted among trainers and breeders that negative reinforcement doesn't work at all. All it will get you is an aggressive, or submissive-aggressive, ill-behaved animal. And I know how it feels to tell your dog "no" a thousand times and have her not listen, or turn around and growl at you, and all you want to do is whack her a little on the backside. But if I sat here and wrote how I just smacked Montego around, I bet a million-to-one that I'd get a thousand hate emails before my hand even stopped stinging. "A dog doesn't understand." "A dog can't be reasoned with." Well, you look your two-year-old in the face and you tell her you love her while you use all 200 of your pounds to spank her tiny bottom, leaving a red mark across her cheeks and then tell me that she understands your reasoning.

Whenever I tell people (especially people with children) that I don't want to spank my future children they say, "You just don't understand. You can't reason with a two-year-old."

I get that.

But like Hannah said, you can't reason with a dog either but you can still work with it to develop positive behavior and squelch negative behavior without physical force.

Here's what I think: I think that parents that spank are lazy.

Spanking produces a quick result. It takes time and effort to raise a child without raising your hand to him or her.

Will it drive me crazy that my child won't "get it" after the third time I've said no? Yes.

Will I spank him or her? No.

There has to be a better way.

Dad loves to re-tell the story about how one day I "pitched a fit" in the middle of a department store. He slid off his belt and gave me several lickings on the back of my three-year-old thighs.

"You never did that again." He'll say proudly.

Thanks dad.