Baby Got Back . . . and side, and middle.

I'm fat.

Now, from that one picture of my face I look okay, but trust me when I tell you it's all about angles.

Lately, I've just been feeling really fucking fat.

It was confirmed for me at my doctor's appointment last week. He didn't mention the weight gain, but I fucking cringed every time the nurse inched the scale towards a region that I'll refer to as, "Fat Ass."

I'm at a weight that I'm not happy with, AT ALL!

My whole life I've been up and down in weight. But lately I feel like I've been at a constant up.

And, I'm worried.

I'm worried that some day I'll hit a point where I get the courage to just decide to be fat and then let myself get yooooge!

But, it's not just that I'm fat right now.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of trying on clothes that look too tight.

I'm tired of being tired.

I'm tired of flinching when my boyfriend run's his hands over my body. (And, God bless this man because he knew me back in the day when I was so small I could have turned sideways and disappeared and he still, STILL thinks I'm as sexy as day one.)

And, oh God, he wants to take nekkid pictures of me. Not dirty, dirty ones or anything, but I'm terrified. Terrified that when he looks at the pictures he's going to realize, "Trixie is fat!"

Because pictures don't lie people; they are hard evidence!!!

And, you know, it's a new year and new beginnings and whatnot.

But, I'm not making any resolutions.

I'm not going on a diet.

I've got some of it down, it's not like I'm eating cheeseburgers, fried chicken, biscuits and fries.

The truth is, those things wreak havoc on my system.

I can't eat greasy, high fat foods, so for the most part I don't.

Because the truth is, I don't eat until I sigh.

My problem is a general lack of activity.

The saddest thing?

I actually have a gym membership that goes unused most months.

I know! (I'm actually sitting here frowning and slowly shaking my head.)

Anyway, that's one of my life goals for this year.

To put my gym membership to good use and to run/walk at least one 5k this year.

This one year, I did the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer 5k and I shit you not: the bald, recovering chemo patients had faster times than I did!

So, not only do I want to finish a 5K, I'd like to do it with a respectable time.

Other personal goals?

To write more fiction.

To submit at least one piece for publication.

To procrastinate less.

To arrive at work ON TIME.

To give it one final push at going to the gym before work! (J! I can hear you! I can hear the big loud Chris, "HA!" all the way from Cali buddy!)

To celebrate 30 like I'm the first person to ever turn 30!

To write more letters. Real honest to goodness letters on my pretty, pretty stationery.

I've also got all these books that are wonderfully introspective and give you tasks to complete on your quest towards self-discovery. I know that sounds incredibly hippified, but I'm looking forward to working through some of them.

Anyway, that's it for the new year.

It's not particularly original, but it feels better getting it out there.

Tune back later on my weekend and why S rocks!!!!