Bitch

Okay, right around when I was eleven-years-old I started listening to the radio. It's not like I'd never owned a radio I just never really paid attention to what was playing. But, somewhere in my pre-teen angst I discovered Top 40 and its endless catalog of cheesy love songs.

I was one of those that would press her ear against the speaker in hopes of deciphering lyrics. I'd play a tape, listen to the words, pause the tape, scribble down lyrics, rewind the tape, play it, listen, pause, scribble, rewind . . . over and over until I had all the lyrics written down. You know, so I could sing along without stumbling over some critical phrasing.

Since then, I've always paid attention to lyrics.

There are some people out there that can just listen to a song and appreciate it for its musicality.

I'm not one of those people.

I like to listen to the story. Which is probably why I have such a fondness for country music.

Anyway, one of the songs that I really hung on to, for much longer than is cool, is Meredith Brooks' Bitch. Check out the lyrics:

I hate the world today
You're so good to me I know, but I can't change
Tried to tell you
But you look at me like maybeI'm an angel underneath
Innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must have been relieved to see
The softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
All rolled into one

Chorus:
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean
You'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that
When I start to make you nervous
And I'm going to extremes
Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

Chorus
Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changin
I think it's cool, you do what you do
And don't try to save me

Chorus
I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

I really like the chorus because that's just how I am sometimes. Bitch, lover, child, mother, sinner, saint, tease, goddess on my knees . . . all those things rolled into one and changing constantly from one to the other.

At least this won't be boring.

You know you wouldn't want it any other way.

I Love Being a Girl - Just Not Always

Being a girl is complicated.

More specifically, being the owner of poon (as in poontang) can be complicated.

Poon gets this unwarranted reputation for being tough. Everyone just figures if a human being can come sliding out of there than surely it's built to last.

Well, it's not a Samsonite.

Don't think you can jump up and down on it and toss it around and have it remain 100%. In reality, poon is very delicate.

You have to maintain the right balance of good germs and bad germs in order for it to flourish. Otherwise, it gets really pissy and pouts. Right now, my poon is pissy and pouting.

You see, I've got Princess Poon.

I refer to her as Princess because the littlest thing, the tiniest change pisses her off. Princess here is very particular about her environment. If I'm not careful, she gets fussy.

The maid washed my panties in bleach.
- Oooooh, the Princess she is not happy. Her skin is as tender as a rose petal. The Princess she
is huffy.

- I took a bath instead of a shower.
The Princess she does not like to be submerged in soapy water. She is offended. The Princess
she is angry.

- I take a shower with fancy soap (i.e. not Ivory).
The Princess she has allergies. She is itchy. The Princess she is so mad.

So, you see, Princess here is very, very fussy and right now she is so mad at me that she has engaged her friend UT in a full scale war against me. UT and Princess are close and they like to gang up on me once in a while.

I realized this weekend when I went to get out of bed and felt shooting pain across my lower back. I thought I'd slept funny. Then I went to pee and realized that Princess was not happy to be woken up with water splashing on her face (Who would be!). As the day went on she got all itchy and clammy.

The Princess, she was pissed!

So, I trotted her to the doctor and asked, "What is going on here? We were getting along just great and then she goes and gets all crazy on me."

The doctor sat me down and said, "The Princess, she is not well."

It turns out she and UT went all kinds of crazy together to conspire against me. UT was in fact infected. I was running a fever of 105 and very unhappy with Princess.

She and I are not currently on speaking terms. I am medicating and while Princess' exterior has been soothed, she still harbors some lingering resentment.

Love is a Battlefield

I was home in time for Oprah on Friday and it was a really fun one!

Apparently, Oprah is throwing a wedding.

I caught it just in time to see the three prospective chosen couples tell the studio audience why they should be chosen. As I watched this cute (too cute) couple go on, I remember thinking, "Please don't pick that one . . . " Mainly because I was pretty certain the guy was gay. I don't know what it was about him, but something just pinged on my radar.

The other couple was a little to "perfect." They were waiting until marriage to make love and they just LOOKED like Ken and Barbie.

Then there was the third couple, the African American couple. Which, was also the couple that was chosen and they were my favorite of the group. They just seemed so in love and genuine.

Anyway, then I caught Oprah After the Show (which, you have to watch if you're not watching) and one of the panel members that Oprah had on the Oprah Throws a Wedding show said,

"There are no guarantees in life or love."

I actually said, "THANK YOU!" out-loud in my apartment.

To some this might just sound like the crazy mutterings of a bitter divorcee, but I swear I'm not.
I just have enough experience to realize that when you marry there are no guarantees and choosing to love someone is a risk.

Whether that someone is a friend, sister, mother, lover or even a child. I don't know what's going to happen in any of those relationships but I take that risk every day because no matter what happens I know I'll be a better person for it.

I love that love is a risk because any important advancement in science, technology, art, literature, music . . . all began with someone willing to take a risk.

So, I'm willing to risk my heart because what have I got to lose.

Right now though, I'm still sorting out who I am so I know I'm a risky proposition for anyone. What if I figure out who I am and I'm not the one you want. Well, that's your risk to take, but I welcome you along for the ride although I'm sure it's going to require some seatbelt buckling and fake braking from the passenger side.

I'm learning more about who I am so that when I meet someone who's willing to take a risk on me, I'll know what he's getting into. So far, here are the things I know about myself:

1. I don't like eggs benedict. AT ALL.
2. I love a lazy Sunday. Maybe I'll even spend it all day in my pjs if I feel like it. I'd like a partner that can join me in this completely sloth-like behavior, but if he can't or won't then he can't make me feel like shit for spending the day watching movies on Lifetime, O or WE.
3. I'm messy and I don't apologize for it. Yeah, I'll eventually get sick of my shit and pick stuff up but messiness doesn't bother me.
4. I'm messy but I'm not gross. I'm not one of those crazy people whose house turns into a trash heap. Ew.
5. I have a maid and it isn't you. I'll always have a maid.
6. I'm a cat and dog person and will probably always own at least one cat at all times.
7. I like quiet.
8. I don't like screaming. In fighting or anything else. Please don't yell at me from the opposite end of the house if you want something - unless, you know, you're on fire or something equally disastrous.
9. Don't wake me up because you want me to make breakfast. You know what, just don't wake me up, EVER - unless you just feel like kissing me. Then by all means, feel free!
10. I like to eat. Please don't make me feel fat for enjoying a porter house steak and a baked potato.
11. Some day, when I'm ready, I want to have children. Not a baseball team or anything but two or three.
12. My family is important to me. Don't expect me to put them second, but I also won't take their side over yours.
13. I want to get married in the Catholic Church.
14. I'm preppie.
15. I'm a nerdy nerd. Clever wordplay is hysterical to me.
16. I don't like planned vacations. So, if we're going to the beach, for example, don't expect me to go parasailing, jet skiing, bicycling, scooter riding or anything. I mean, yeah maybe I'll want to do that but don't come to me with, "at 10 we're going snorkeling. At 11:15 we'll jet ski. At 12:30 we'll grab lunch . . . " Dude, I just want to read my book. Let's just take it easy and enjoy the day. See where it takes us.
17. Don't talk to me at the movies. I mean, during the previews it's okay but once the opening credits start all talking must cease. Whether it's a good movie or bad a bad one it doesn't matter. Don't talk to me at the movies.
18. I like cheesy pop music.
19. I love to cook and really want you to help me with the dishes after. I'll do the same for you when you cook.
20. My favorite meal is chicken nuggets, mashed potatoes and peas. I know it's not sophisticated but it's a comfort meal that goes back to high school. That doesn't mean I can't throw down with Indian, Ethiopian, Cuban, Sushi or any other kind of cuisine though. I'll try anything once.
21. I love raw oysters. Go ahead, wrinkle up your nose, but there's nothing like raw oysters on the half shell.
22. I can be a workaholic. Sometimes I get carried away and lose track of time.
23. I can be careless. I'll manage my time incorrectly and run late.
24. There are certain things I look for in a guy (purely superficially) clean, clipped nails (nailbiters need not apply), clean ears (I don't care what they say about Q-Tips, nobody wants to look in an earcanal full of wax ), no visible nose hair poking out.
25. I think therapy is a beautiful thing.
26. I'm adventurous - about everything. Life, love, food, sex . . .

I know there's more, and I'm still figuring it out.

Enjoy!

For those of you who have visited lately, kick back and enjoy.

You are witnessing the honeymoon period.

The beginning of my relationship with this blog is like a new toy at Christmas. It will get a lot of play for a little while, but eventually I'll handle it less and less.

Anyone that follows any blogger knows that there always comes a time when updates start to become weekly, bi-weekly, monthly . . . and so on.

Until you begin gnashing your teeth evertime you visit and realize that there are no updates.

That's about when you start to say, "Hey, you know what, maybe I should go out and get a life of my very own."

At least that's what my experience has been.

*******************************************************************************

It's Friday!!!! Nothing excites me more than Friday. Well, except maybe Saturday morning. Sunday is good, but Saturday rocks!!! I have the whole day to do whatever the hell I want. I'm taking it easy tomorrow. Treat myself to some homemade bread (I love my breadmaker!) that I'll set tonight so it's ready in it's warm sweetness tomorrow morning.

I'm thinking about catching a free concert tomorrow morning. I don't know though . . . the idea of riding downtown on my bike sounds nice but the idea of curling up in bed with Angry Housewives Eating Bon Bons sounds better.

I very much so have no plans whatsoever for this weekend and the last few weeks in my life have been crazy and the coming weeks will be even crazier so I'm taking it easy.

*******************************************************************************

I've been thinking about yesterday's entry. It's still pretty hard for me to go over that stuff. Some parts of it made me cry and to be honest that pisses me off.

I'm over him but when I start going over the details of it all the hurt is still there.

But, I'm moving on.

I'm in this new thing with this new guy. And I call it this new "thing" because it's still in the pleasantly uncomplicated, undefined state. It's still in the "sweetness and light" phase and that feels so good.

I need that right now.

There are times when at the end of one of our phone calls I want to say, "I love you." But, I stop myself because I don't think I know what that means. I know the feeling to say it comes over me because it feels natural, but those three words can mean so much and can be taken to mean so much. I can't just throw it out there.

The thing is, I have. I've said them to this guy and I kind of regret it.

Not that I didn't feel that way when I said it, I did. It's just that I said it prematurely.

So, I want to go back and erase it.

Hop in my time machine and suck those words out of the word bubble floating above our heads.

Do you think that's possible?

If you could do it, would you?

*******************************************************************************

I am addicted to this online bulletin board and recently, someone posted a poem that she would like to have read at her wedding. And, the last bit of it blew me away:

Because marriages do not fail, people fail
When they enter into marriage expecting another to make them whole...
Because, knowing this, I promise myself to take full responsibility
For my spiritual, mental and physical wholeness
I create me, I take half of the responsibility for my marriage
Together we create our marriage...
Because with this understanding
The possibilities are limitless.

I LOVE THAT!

Mainly because it flies in the face of that Jerry McGuire "You complete me . . . " bullshit.

The thing is I don't want to complete someone. I want to challenge, inspire and maybe even piss off every now and then. But, I can't be the person that my partner looks to for motivation. That has to come from within.

My former therapist used to have this definition of a good relationship and the first two lines were something about, "Two whole, fully viable entities choosing to be together . . . " I'm not whole and viable just yet, but before I enter into a serious relationship I plan to be and I will expect my partner to be as well.

The Day the Lights Went Out

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

All the Boys I've Loved Before

That's what I wrote at the top of the page in my journal.

I was just screwing around the way you do when you know that no one will be reading your meaningless scribblings. So, it was in fun that I wrote that as my "theme."

S had been on my mind for a while and then I Googled him.

I'll do that sometimes, remember someone that I was friends with and try to find them with a Google search.

I'm pretty good about finding people, too.

S, I found on my first try.

Just typed in his first and last name and a city name.

First one at the top of the list.

So, I scribbled his phone number on a scrap of paper and shoved it in my messenger bag. I didn't call him right away because I didn't know what I was going to say.

Once I knew where I could reach him I started thinking about him incessantly. So much so that I finally had to write a few pages about him in my journal. And, that's when "All the Boys I've Loved Before" started. S was, and still is, the only entry. I recounted the story about the first time we kissed, only I remembered a different kiss.

My memory of him asking me to that outdoor concert was correct, but the first kiss I remembered was during the Smashing Pumpkins' set.

They were singing Today and I remember I was singing along, "Today is the greatest day I've ever known . . . " and smiling because I'd had a really great time.

I remember hearing him ask me, "Has this been a great day?"

I was still facing forward and I said, "Absolutely . . . " and then turning to look at him and realizing that his face was really close to mine.

And, I smiled at him and looked into his eyes.

He had that look, that one guys get - you know?

He closed his eyes and I just remember thinking, "Hmm, okay."

And then my brain started screaming, "S IS KISSING ME!!!!!"

I might have forgotten the circumstances of that first kiss, but I definitely remembered my reaction.

I wrote that in my journal and I had his phone number in my messenger bag.

So, I pulled it out and called him.

The Magic

I met S when I was 18. At the time, I was dating someone that we worked with, R.

R and I dated quite steadily that summer, but we were never serious. There was alway this understanding between R and I that this was just a summer thing.

I would leave for college that fall and R would have a great time during his senior year. That summer, S was just another one of the guys I worked with. He showed no real interest in me and, while I thought he was cute, I showed no real interest in him. The only thing I remember clearly was S coming up to me every now and then and asking, "R?" in an incredulous tone.

I'd just roll my eyes because I got that a lot that summer.

R and I didn't seem like a good match. He was younger and a big goofy guy and I was always very reserved. But, that's part of the reason it worked out so well.

Anyway, R and I dated and I had a great summer full of great laughs, drinking and afternoons on R's boat. Then I left for school and had many more adventures with boys.

The following summer I returned to work at my job from the previous year and R and I were friends but not dating. Okay, we may have made out now and again when we were alone at work, but for the most part we were great friends.

And suddenly, S became an interesting possiblity.

I don't remember when I started to like him, but one day I realized that when he'd walk into the room it was as if the oxygen had been sucked out of it. I couldn't breathe and the most I could handle was a goofy smile. We talked a lot that summer and I flirted shamelessly.

He had this little workshop under the stairs that was away from the crowds. I'd sneak in there when I knew he was there and stand between him and the door. Just being that close to him made my pulse race and always made me fantasize about all the bad things we could do. But, he was always very reserved. He'd eventually usher me out of the room and send me back to work.

Then, one day out of the blue he comes up to me with this "extra" concert ticket. (It was one of those all day, outdoor music festivals.) He said that a friend of his had bailed on him and he wanted to know if I wanted the ticket. The concert was general admission and since I didn't know anyone going I declined and told him why. He then says,

"Well, you could go with me."

Me, "Oh. Okay, sure. How much do I owe you for the ticket?"

Him, "Don't worry about it, you can just buy me a beer when we get there."

Me, "Okay."

Now, at this point, we were firmly cemented in our roles as friends. So, I wasn't overly excited. I mean, it was a concert I was looking forward to and all, but we were just going as friends.

So, I accepted the invitation and really didn't think any more about it.

The concert day rolls around, he shows up at my parents and off we went. We spent a good part of the morning checking out vendors and just walking around when the conversation turned to dating.

I was walking around with a beer in one hand and started kidding him. I started asking about his "moves" and that I was sure he was pretty slick.

He just laughed it off and said he had no moves, but he did know a magic trick. I smiled and said, "Yeah? Let's see it!"

So, he said, "Keep that beer in one hand. Okay, now hold my beer in your other hand. Now close your eyes."

With my hands full, I closed my eyes and started saying, "This had better be goo. . . " and then next thing I knew - S WAS KISSING ME!!!

And, that's exactly what I was thinking!!!

There was a voice in my head was screaming it because even though I'd crushed hard on S, I figured we were just going to be friends.

But, there he was kissing me. And, oh, what a good kisser! It took my by surprise and when he pulled away I gasped a little.

He smiled and quietly said, "See? Magic."

Weak Knees and Butterflies

What do you do when you meet a man who can, in one look, make your knees weak? From across the room he can grin, raise an eyebrow and pretty much reduce you to a pile of jello.

What is that? Is it just that it's new and exciting or is he "the one?"

Because quite honestly, no one has ever made me feel that way.

Not even when I was fifteen and boy-crazy. And the thing that scares me is that I'm just getting out of a nine-year marriage so the fact that I'm with this man freaks me out because I really, really like him but I'm afraid I like him for all the wrong reasons.

Here's the thing, I was married to a gay man for nine years. It's a long story, one that I've repeated so many times I'm tired of retelling it.

In all fairness, I'll go into detail about it here someday.

But for now, let me just get it out there that I called up an old friend that I hadn't talked to in a decade. He was single, I was unhappy so I cheated on my husband with him.

I'm not proud of my actions and the cheating consisted of a teenage makeout session in my car and then a subsequent encounter that led to me sleeping with this man.

And, that's when I realized I had to leave my marriage.

I have never in my life cheated on a partner (even after I found out my ex had cheated on me for the majority of our marriage) and if my marriage meant that little to me then I needed to end it.

And I did.

The very next day.

I told my husband that although I loved him, I knew that he was gay and that as much as he tried to convince me that he could "be straight" for me it just wasn't fair to either of his.

He would never be the person he needed to be and would never be, for me, the kind of man that I needed or wanted.

So, we split and are now divorced.

The dude I cheated with - yeah, he's the one that gives me the weak knees and butterflies.