Weak Knees and Butterflies

What do you do when you meet a man who can, in one look, make your knees weak? From across the room he can grin, raise an eyebrow and pretty much reduce you to a pile of jello.

What is that? Is it just that it's new and exciting or is he "the one?"

Because quite honestly, no one has ever made me feel that way.

Not even when I was fifteen and boy-crazy. And the thing that scares me is that I'm just getting out of a nine-year marriage so the fact that I'm with this man freaks me out because I really, really like him but I'm afraid I like him for all the wrong reasons.

Here's the thing, I was married to a gay man for nine years. It's a long story, one that I've repeated so many times I'm tired of retelling it.

In all fairness, I'll go into detail about it here someday.

But for now, let me just get it out there that I called up an old friend that I hadn't talked to in a decade. He was single, I was unhappy so I cheated on my husband with him.

I'm not proud of my actions and the cheating consisted of a teenage makeout session in my car and then a subsequent encounter that led to me sleeping with this man.

And, that's when I realized I had to leave my marriage.

I have never in my life cheated on a partner (even after I found out my ex had cheated on me for the majority of our marriage) and if my marriage meant that little to me then I needed to end it.

And I did.

The very next day.

I told my husband that although I loved him, I knew that he was gay and that as much as he tried to convince me that he could "be straight" for me it just wasn't fair to either of his.

He would never be the person he needed to be and would never be, for me, the kind of man that I needed or wanted.

So, we split and are now divorced.

The dude I cheated with - yeah, he's the one that gives me the weak knees and butterflies.