Crazy

I don't handle stress very well.

On the surface I look like I have my shit together, but deep down I'm a mass of twitchy nerves.

I can handle a crisis.

Mostly because a crisis will just present itself and all I have to do is react. I don't have to worry it to death.

But deadlines and that sort of thing have caused me serious stress since I was about sixteen.

I went to a fairly competitive high school where although I wasn't one of the top students (not even close), my friends and I still compared grades. So, 11th grade rolls around and on top of grades, I'm worrying about test scores and college. I was also performing in five numbers at my dancing school and forgetting half of the steps for each dance. Then, I added to that by being in my first "serious" relationship. All of that made for a very stressful year.

One night, I was playing with my hair and felt a really coarse strand. Curious, I plucked it. It stung a little but it also felt kind of good. That hair also happened to be growing through a teeny, tiny zit on my head.

So, I pulled another hair near the same spot.

And another and another . . . until eventually I had a silver dollar-size bald spot on my head.

I don't remember setting out to do this, I just know that it felt good and while I was rooting around in my hair I couldn't think about anything else other than plucking another hair. It was a brief moment of peace in my stressed-out life.

I let that bald spot get pretty big before stopping myself. Then I moved on to the other side of my head. Pretty soon I had two perfectly round bald spots. If you can imagine a person growing horns on their head, the spot where a horn would sprout from is about where I created the bald spot. I have thick, dark hair and I part it to the right so hiding the bald spot wasn't every difficult. I never told anyone what I was up to an no one ever found out.

I did however live in fear of strong winds.

Now I know that I had [URL=http://www.nmha.org/infoctr/factsheets/92.cfm]trichotillomania*[/URL]. I didn't know what this was back then, I didn't have a name for it. I just thought I was crazy.

I don't quite remember what triggered it back then, but the next time in my life that it got bad was when I had Hepatitis B. I was already depressed about a lot of shit and laying around in bed while my liver recovered left me with too much time on my hands.

My hands immediately went to the place that I'd pulled so many years ago and started up again. It got soo bad that I even took the tweezers to it. When the hair had grown back in, anywhere from 1/8 - 1/4" I'd pluck it out with the tweezer. Sometimes I'd gauge my scalp a little and pull a little of it, too. I even started saving the tiny hairs in an envelope.

Why?

I don't know.

But, it did give me a twisted sense of accomplishment to see how much hair I had pulled.

Eventually, I calmed down and let it scab over. I'd run my finger over the tender bald spot and itch for the hair to grow back in so I could pull it some more. Have you ever pulled a hair through a scab? It stings a little and you can feel the root of the hair get hung up on the scab, but it feels a little good, too.

The trickiest part about trich? Going to see your hairdresser. It takes careful planning. You have to let the hair grow out enough that he/she won't see the bald spot and think you have mange. I had a hair dresser ask me once why this swatch of hair was only three inches long. I shrugged and said, "Too much abuse from the blow dryer and curling iron I guess."

I don't allow myself to give myself bald spots anymore. But, I have one little hair on the left side that grows out all course and tight, like a little slinky hair and I'll search for it every three months or so and pluck it out with my fingers.

Usually, I'm aware of the urge to pull my hair and it tends to occur when I'm in a stressful period in my life. Sometimes it's when I'm facing a deadline for work or just when I feel overwhelmed in general. My scalp tingles and my fingers itch to root through my hair.

Sometimes I stop myself.

Sometimes I don't.

I have learned what I shouldn't do when I get that urge. I shouldn't read or talk on the phone. I have to find an activity that keeps both of my hands busy. Otherwise, my hand will just wander into my hair and the next thing I know - I'm plucking.

It's been a long time since I've pulled my hair out excessively. Yeah, there are moments when I slip and I try to check myself when that happens.

But, even now that my hair is pretty much all the same length I can reach up there, instinctively find the area I always pull from and give my hair a little tug.

It stills give me the most delicious little thrill to feel that little sting at the root.

*(Sidenote: I scrolled down that page and saw something of interest. Trich is thought of as an OCD disorder. The site goes on to say, "Such as compulsive counting . . . " Hello!!! I totally do that and always thought it odd but never equated it with OCD. Sometimes I count the alphabet on my fingers, making sure Z always lands on the same finger, the number of words in the last sentence I just said . . . random stuff.)