Yesterday

August 12, 1993

R and I haven't officially been a couple for a month now, but yesterday we ended it for good.

It just doesn't make any sense, you know?

Going on like we're going to date even when I'm away. He's got all kinds of fun stuff coming up with senior year and I'll be a freshman in college. It's not like I plan on having all kinds of sex with all kinds of guys or anything, but I want to be able to see people.

Right now I work with a lot of really cute guys and I flirt with a lot of them. Well, with most of them. Usually I'm just nice, so I have a lot of guy friends.

Like Jimmy. I went to clock out last night and he was there punching out for his final day. He grabbed me, picked me up and twirled me around - excited that he'd never have to come back here again. Then he asked me out for that drink we'd been talking about all summer. I said sure!
I mean, I like Jimmy. We've talked a lot the last few weeks and it's not like it really means anything. As sweet and cute as he is, he's kind of boring.

I have been flirting lately with S. It's stupid because it's not like he's all that into me or anything, but I can't help but flirt with him.

Ugh, last night the toilet in the ladies room was backed up and people kept using it. Of course, it was my turn to clean the bathrooms. I took one look in there and went running to find S. I waited outside in the hall while S plunged the toilet. Ewwww.

When he walked out of the ladies he looked at me and said, "Oh, you owe me big time for that." I smiled and said, "Hey, anytime - just let me know."

He kind of laughed and said, "Yeah, you and I have got to go out."

I went back to work and didn't think anything about it.

Then later on I was sweeping the dining room and getting ready to vaccuum it when S walked in and asked if I was using the vaccuum right then.

I said, "No, but I will in a little while."

He said, "I'm going to take it right now, but when you need it come get me."

It was just too easy.

I got closer to him and said, "Don't you worry. As soon as I need it you'll be the first person I'll go to."

He just smiled and shook his head and walked out.

I was just about to say, "I wish!" outloud when he poked his head back in the dining room and said, "Yeah, you and I have got to go out.

Then later on I was done and waiting to leave (now they've got this new thing where no one leaves until everyone is done) so I hopped up on the counter and just waited. S came out and found me up there.

I said, "Hey S!" and leaned back on my hands, raised an eyebrow and smiled.

He walked over to me, put his hands on my legs and pushed them open a little.

"You and I right here?" he asked.

I shrugged and asked, "Why not?"

S, "You - are trouble."

Earlier I was in his workroom just trying to get away from the noise for a little while and I got to fiddling around with some electrical cords. It was just the two of us and I said something about him tying me up with them.

It's not like it means anything. I mean, S is hot and all but it's not like it means what I want it to mean.

It's like when he asked me out on Sunday - he didn't really mean it.

August 17, 2004

Eleven years later I found out that S did mean it.

He really did want to go out and hang out with me. I think when I was 18 and he was 23 that it all just seemed scary. You know, he was a man. But, he was really just a guy.

For all my big talk, I was really inexperienced and a great big chicken.