I Am Not An Animal

I'm having kind of a shitty day today.

I woke up at 5:30 a.m. feeling fairly well-rested.

Did I get out of bed and try to make it to the gym for that 5:45 a.m. Spin class I keep wanting to attend?

Fuck no.

I laid in bed, pulled Jack (my grey tabby) in for a snuggle and went back to sleep.

I kept going in and out of sleep until I finally decided to get up for work, and of course, I was late.

I walked into the bathroom, looked in the mirror and my mouth fell open at my reflection.

Now, I'm not exactly at my most beautiful right when I wake up in the morning, but this morning I was hideous.

My left eyelid is swollen.

Noticeably swollen.

Like Jack sucker punched me in my sleep kind of swollen.

So, right now I look like I'm wearing the prosthetic makeup Eric Stoltz wore to play Rocky in that movie Mask. (You know, that one with Cher and Chris Christopherson.)

I think something bit me.

See, last night there was a big cockroach in my room, (Not that I think that's what bit me, because . . . ewwwwww) and my room is a mess right now (stacks of boxes and papers that I keep meaning to get to since I moved in) so finding the roach so I could kill it took forever.

While looking for it, I decided to go through two boxes of beauty products that had been sitting in a corner of my room. I put the boxes on my bed and sifted through them.

Throwing away a small fortune in expired and practically new bottles of Neutrogena and other assorted products.

I think maybe there was a little spider or ant or something in one of those boxes.

See, I remember waking up in the middle of the night to scratch my forehead.

I figured it was just a mosquito because I could feel the swelling and the itching.

But the motherfucker must have gotten my eye, too!!!!

I'm very much a live and let live kind of person.

I don't even mind spiders all that much because they eat other small bugs that bite.

But when you start biting me on the eyelid - that means war.

I don't care if your a long-lost relative of Charlotte and her infamous web - your days are numbered.