I Love You, Goodbye

I had a therapist tell my former spouse and I that sometimes the hardest words to say are, "I love you, goodbye."

I understood what he was telling me, but I don't think I really wanted to hear it. So, my ex and I used to joke around and say to each other, "I love you, DON'T LEAVE!" We'd say it in this crazed voice and reach for each other's hands. Then we'd laugh at how pathetic we were.

In hindsight, we were a spectacularly co-dependent couple.

I gave him a safe place where I ignored things that seemed "off" to me. The weird class schedule, the angry reaction to me skipping a class and being home unexpectedly and too many nights out with one particular "friend."

You see, on some level I think I always knew he was cheating.

But, rather than confront him (or myself), I chose to stick my head in the sand. I tried to turn myself more and more into the perfect wife. I tried to be around more, to schedule more activities together; I really tried to control his time so that I'd know where he was at all times. I just never took the time to say to myself, "You know what, I'm not really happy with this." And, if I did think that I just kept trying to change him, not the stituation I was in.

And quite honestly, why would I? Getting out of that marriage would have meant standing on my own - being a grown-up even.

And even though J was cheating, he kept trying to make me happy.

Oh god, there were so many women that I knew (and still know) who think that J was the perfect husband. He helped around the house, he cooked, he cleaned . . . but all that time he was trying to seem perfect he wasn't happy. He wasn't happy with denying who he was.

I think we stayed in it thinking, "If I can just make this LOOK really good, then it will be really good," regardless of our individual needs.

It took me years to say to myself, "You know what, being on my own is going to be scary. I might not be able to pay all of my bills some months, but I'm not happy here and I need to sack up and find a way to be happy because I deserve it."

And so I left.

But then, so did he.

I haven't really had extensive conversations with J about "us" because there is no us anymore. In the last few months, I knew he was looking for work in other states and I encouraged him wholeheartedly.

Then one day he admitted to me that he simply couldn't be around me. That seeing me happy and healthy made him ache. It hurt too much to see me grow and flourish and know that he had lost me. That no matter how much he loves me, he knows deep down that he's gay and can't be my husband. Losing me is the hardest thing he's ever been through.

I was floored. I mean, I really had no idea that what "we" had meant so much to him. I know that sounds crazy, but when your partner cheats you figure the relationship probably wasn't a first priority.

Anyway, J did finally find a job he was happy with and this past weekend I drove him to the airport so that he could catch a flight to California.

I think I'd been in denial all week about it because when I woke up that morning I started crying.

This was it, he was leaving.

We drove to the airport and kidded around, but every few minutes I'd feel my eyes filling up with tears.

I was a mess at the airport and so was he and after he gave me one final squeeze, he bent down, picked up his bags and walked into the airport.

And I finally got it!

I love you, goodbye.